SLAA Step 10 Questions

38. Reread page 91 in the "Twelve and Twelve".  Write on the concept of progress rather than perfection as it applies to life today.

Enjoyed this reading: really taken by the mention of self-restraint - and by pride and sulking.  Good reminders for this addict.

Progress rather than perfection is written into "How it Works" to acknowledge that we are human, and both to allow that we will stray from the path and forget our connection, but also that the path is the point, and that we need to get back on the path as soon as we understand that we have strayed.  It is the progress along this path, ever-growing, that defines our recovery.  The path has no end.  

Gentle reminders are given in the reading that cultivating self-restraint will help in the interim, to keep our egos from interacting so immediately with the world - to give our deeper, slower selves time to process.

When I think of how my wife and I interact - we are almost transparent to our relationship.  Almost nothing is big enough to trigger our egos into fear, anger, mistrust or paranoia.  The very few times a boundary has been crossed, we talk rationally about that and work it through - it's uncomfortable slightly but neither of us sticks to our position and we arrive at a new place of understanding.

I wish I could have that transparency when it came to expectations at work and my understanding of my talents.  Anxiety still drives behaviour in me, and that's not good.

39. Have we begun to practice justice and courtesy to those we dislike?  Write about how you can start practicing this principle.

I see recovery as a path that with each step brings me closer to my higher power in demeanor and behaviour.  My limited glimpses of my higher power reveal a deep source of serenity and love, of caring and humour.  All of the steps are designed to reduce ego, to correct our attitude toward our fellow travelers and to connect us with a higher power that will guide us in our behaviour.  As I try to emulate those qualities that emanate from my Higher Power, it is revealed that I must treat all fellow beings from that place of love.  Even those we dislike.

I can start practicing this principle by praying for those I dislike, and considering what I can be grateful for about them.

40. Read page 233 in "As Bill Sees It".  Draw up a two column balance sheet for the day.  On one side write the things you've done right - good intentions, good thoughts and good acts.  On the other, write the things you feel you could have improved upon.

Everyday Living, p. 233

The A.A. emphasis on personal inventory is heavy because a great many of us have never really acquired the habit of accurate self-appraisal.

Once this heavy practice has become a habit, it will prove so interesting and profitable that the time it takes won't be missed. For these minutes and often hours spent in self examination are bound to make all the other hours of our day better and happier. At length, our inventories become a necessity of everyday living, rather than something unusual or set apart.

12 & 12, pp. 89-90

Good

Went to AA Meeting

Tried to go to work

Listened to body, came home

Centered, avoided acting out

Came out and affirmed B-day with J

Came out and saw J off

agreed to do H&I

Doing this stepwork

Improve

Slacked off work

Hiding out in room

Played game for hours

Not being of service

Not doing morning routine

41. Read Step Ten in the "Twelve and Twelve".  Discuss and reflect upon the following concept: "Every time we are disturbed, no matter what the cause, there is something wrong with us."

From a letter by Bill W entitled "Emotional Sobriety":

If we examine every disturbance we have, great or small, we will find at the root of it some unhealthy dependence and its consequent demand. Let us, with God's help, continually surrender these hobbling demands. Then we can be set free to live and love: we may then be able to gain emotional sobriety. 

Of course, I haven't offered you a really new idea --- only a gimmick that has started to unhook several of my own hexes' at depth. Nowadays, my brain no longer races compulsively in either elation, grandiosity or depression. I have been given a quiet place in bright sunshine" 

...

For my dependency meant demand—a demand for the possession and control of the people and the conditions surrounding me

...

Many people in 12-step programs call steps 10-12 the "maintenance" steps, but I call them the growth steps.  The first 9 steps have all been about arresting ongoing activity and correcting the past. The first thing that strikes me, and its a new thought, while reading Step 10 in the 12x12, Is that inventory-taking is a reminder to be present, awake, conscious.  If its true that the drumbeat of modern life deafens us, dulls us into a zombie-like stupor, then the inventory is a call to reawaken and examine what we've done while we were unconscious.

Let's face it, the natural state of man, as we have evolved, is to NOT be in accordance with God's will. It's just not natural to us, for whatever reason.  It's through constant practice and awareness that we become aware of our habits and tendencies and gradually train ourselves and recognise the things that cause us to drift off the beam.

When we let people, places or things disturb us we are implicitly trying to control the outcome or behaviour.  We are not in control of these things.  The ego's desires to thwart our connection to God is what this question is about.

42. Read pages 90-92 in the “Twelve and Twelve".  Discuss and reflect on the idea that justified anger ought to be left to those better qualified to handle it.  How have you dissipated some anger in a healthy way today?

I am not sure who is better qualified to handle it - I'm guessing Bill's referring to normal people here.  What he's saying is that the cost to an addict is high - things that take us away from that sole thing that keeps us sober - our spiritual connection.

Today I didn't get angry, but last weekend I had grown utterly resentful of this loud chinese family sitting behind us on the bus.  I knew it was a bit toxic.  At lunchtime I saw them confused about where to sit their large family at the small tables available.  I jumped up and hauled two tables together so they could sit comfortably.   My resentment was dissipated.

43. Read pages 92-95 in the "Twelve and Twelve".   Write about the idea that "pain is the touchstone of spiritual progress."  Write about some pain you have been in lately.  How did it help you grow?

Recently a relative suggested that I lie about a mistake I had made. "Honesty is not always the best policy" she said.  "I've seen careers and lives destroyed by something thinking they just had to be honest about something they could have kept to themselves."

I responded: but without those consequences - without that pain - we don't learn from our mistakes.  We think we can outwit ourselves and our fates.  We think we can control reality to fit our best interests and convenience.

Well there's something in the forefront of my mind that's brought a lot of pain to my relationship.  As I'm in it with M. I'm feeling raw but also thinking "sadder but wiser".  I'm seeing the pain strip away pretense and make us both face reality in a somber but loving way.  I know we'll be stronger and spiritually closer for this.

44. Read pages 84-85, chapter six in the "Big Book".  The purpose of Step Ten is to continue our daily inventory and check our daily progress.  Name some things you need to guard against if you are to continue your progress.

For me the biggest thing is to establish rituals that help me stay on the beam and know when I am falling away.  I've created a step 10 worksheet with questions to this effect - I ask explicitly if I've made contact with Presence and reinitiated that contact throughout the day.

Apathy or getting in a rut are the things that take me off the beam of connectedness.  My step 10 worksheet is meant to tease out encroaching unawareness.

Unaddressed anxiety continues to be the biggest problem for me.  As part of step 10 I begin for the first time a daily practice of considering and addressing anxiety.

45. Have you stopped trying to make unreasonable demands on the ones you love?  Write on the last unreasonable demand and the results of that demand.  How do you tell what is reasonable and what is unreasonable?

My last unreasonable demand was unvoiced and unstated - but it was a wish that my behaviour of 8 May not be considered a shocking outrage, that it wasn't a big deal.  That the reaction be minimal if anything.  The demand was that I be given a free pass for my behaviour.  I didn't make the demand

This selfish voice is the voice that wants no consequences for actions, that wants anything the disease wants to be accepted and normal.  That wants a free pass for any imaginable behaviour. That ignores the feelings of betrayal, rejection, and pain that my action caused.

As I work through doing steps 4 and 8 on this matter, I realise how petty and selfish I can be, and as I build a picture of my partner's feelings after my actions, I realise how deeply this affected her and how it is a violation of a trust she thought inviolate.

It is through being present with my motives and defects, and thinking about how I affect other people, that I keep track of what is reasonable and unreasonable.

46. Most feelings or defects of character will come under one of six categories: fear, jealousy, anger, resentment, pride and sex.  To continue to take personal inventory, fold a sheet of legal sized paper into three sections. In the first section write, WHAT IS IT?; in the second section write, HOW DOES IT AFFECT ME?; and in the third section write, WHAT CAN I DO ABOUT IT?  Identify the problem.  For example - fear of failure.  In the second section write as much as you can about "How does it affect me?”  Go to extremes in your writing if you are able to.  Now ask God, "What can I do about it?”  For extra reading, read from "As Bill Sees It", pages 39, 65 and 89.

Recorded elsewhere

47. Are you able to maintain bottom-line sobriety, "Keeping emotional balance and living to good purpose under all conditions?”  What are some of the ways that you work on keeping emotional balance?

I don't know why its eluded me so far but I've suddenly realised that rather than focusing on my behaviours, I need to go after anxiety with a vengeance.  So this is emotional balance and living to good purpose under all conditions.

So my efforts with bottom line sobriety have been entirely downstream from my emotional equilibrium.  When I'm doing ok - long(ish) stretches of sobriety.  When turbulence hits my bottom lines are crossed.

As emotional balance assumes center stage, I rearrange my activities slightly - now they're more about reconnecting with my higher power - which always reduces the ego footprint in my life. Step 10 plays right into that with my morning and evening routines.  I also pause throughout the day to reconnect.

These are the gifts of working this program.  I'm so grateful.

48. List your assets and liabilities.  How can you convert "The pains of failures into assets?"  Think of a specific example where you have done this.

Assets
Higher Power
Program
Loving Wife
Supportive family
Desire for humility, growth
Health
Intelligence

Liabilities
Addiction
Low Energy
Lack of focus, distractions
Negative self talk
Anxiety

Clearly my recent example - taking the pain of marital turbulence to power a better approach, plan and togetherness in marriage.

49. What can you do to stop having emotional hang-overs?  Write about the last one you had and the state you were in when it was caused.

Mine are usually around anxiety, although I've had a lot of regret and negative self-talk after a slip a few weeks ago.  The mood lingers and colors everything.  It's typically a cloud that follows me around and diminishes my presence and lightness and ability to be me.  The ones around frustration and anger don't usually last long, but there's a long slow-burning anxiety that eats me up.

To stop having them I just have to connect and re-connect. To do the things which make me capable of being on the path to God.

50. How can you acquire the habit of accurate self-appraisal through Step Ten?

This is a slow unfolding, to be able to see the emotion and behaviours as external to ones self and assess them for what they are: constructions that the self-obsessed ego creates to continue its absorbtion in itself.

The practice has, and will take years of self-awareness activities. 

In addition to morning and evening practice I'm working on stopping throughout the day to pray and meditate.

51.How does the axiom, "Every time we are disturbed, no matter what the cause, there is something wrong with us" relate to you?

The axiom is true if we are on a path to God - these things can't penetrate the god nature within us, they can only excite and trouble the ego.

52. Step Ten talks of "dangerous exceptions" for our recovery.  What are your dangerous exceptions?

The passage in the 12x12 is talking about justified anger being ok.  Just as in the previous question which refers to us being the pond in which the ripples occur - the negative emotions of fear, pride, hate, jealousy, etc are all rooted in ego possessiveness and control.  We want the pond to remain still no matter what drops into it, for whatever reason.

And for the same reason - we are attempting to surface God consciousness.

I am happy to consider most emotions of the ego to be unjustified, and not an exception.  Ego emotions are fear, jealousy, greed, lust, anger, etc.

God emotions are love and peace.

That is all.

53. How are you developing tolerance?  The release of rationalisation?

I'm not sure I'm actively developing tolerance, it's developing within me though.  I'm quicker to forgive, to play the end game out in my head and realise its just not worth it to hold on to resentments.  The more humility I have, the easier it is to see that everyone is just like me, and to forgive them being human.

Rationalisation is the mind inventing support for emotional responses.  I'm still quite in my head in many ways - it is still my reality.

54. The Tenth Step says to "spot, admit and correct flaws is the essence of character building and good living”.  In the essence of character building, develop a gratitude list now for your "blessings received".

I'm thankful for gratitude lists.

My blessings are 
recovery
my higher power
my wonderful wife
my family
my challenging job
my health
my financial security
my god-given gifts and the opportunity to pursue them
the beautiful world